A parent's love...

As I sat there on the operating room table, so many things flashed through my mind. I sat in position cross legged so that I could get my spinal done and I quickly remembered doing that before. I remember the first time I came in for a cerclage and how scared I was that time. I remember shaking so hard and trying so hard not to cry, all I knew at that time was that was my only chance of someday meeting Ethan. I did it, I went through that cerclage and held him in long enough to have him here with us today. As they lay me down, I then remembered the second time I was in the operating room. I looked to my left and saw the little baby bassinet and work space and I remembered seeing Ethan's little tiny legs and arms shooting up into the air and the nurse yelling to me that he was 2 lbs. I remembered seeing Matt there with Ethan making sure he was ok. I remembered thinking, I just had my baby 3 1/2 months earlier than I expected to.

Then, as I lay there, I thought about how important this was to the child I was now carrying. I kept telling myself that this was necessary for this new life. I continued to pray through about half of the surgery, which lasted about 45 minutes from beginning to end. My last one was about 15 minutes, so it seemed like it would take forever. But as my mind drifted from prayers, to visions of my beautiful smiling Ethan and to the strength that Matt gives me each and every day, the time flew by. I looked at the clock thinking it would just be about 10 minutes in and we were already 35 minutes in.

I thought about what I have been able to do as a mother. The ultimate gift I could give to my children is life, but it is not the way some mothers give it. Many mothers get pregnant, go through the pregnancy perfectly normal and have that baby full-term without too many major issues along the way. Some mothers have a pretty normal pregnancy, but may have some minor complications along the way. Some mothers never get to meet their child. Some mothers meet their child, but then have to say goodbye. Some mothers don't give birth, but give their child a life they would not have had if they didn't choose them. Some mothers deal with a several near losses of their child and meet their child way too early. That's the one I fit into. As you can see, all mothers bring their children into the world in different ways. But, what we have in common is what we do for those children and what we are willing to give up for our children.

As I lay there on that table, I realized what I gave up for Ethan to have the life he has now. I was on hospital bedrest for 3 weeks. I spent every day at the hospital with him for 88 days. I took a semester off of work. I have spent many, many hours taking him to his many different appointments. I've done it for him, because I want the best for him.

I realized what I have already done for this baby. I have changed my daily habits with Ethan so that I would not carry him. I was sitting their getting my cerclage to hold this pregnancy as long as possible. I knew I was facing bedrest at some point.

I did all of these things for my children. Little did I know how important Tuesday was for my child. I had already started the process of dilation, which meant that this cerclage came at the perfect moment. I take that as a sign that as I went through a scary day on Saturday of possibly losing the pregnancy, it was meant to be that I made it to the surgery.

I can't forget the role of the dad in all of this. My children have the best father in the world. Matt has been a rock, even though I know he is just as scared as I am. He was the rock when we dealt with Ethan's birth. He came to the hospital every day for 109 days to visit Ethan and I. He helped me when I was exhausted from being home all day with Ethan, he gets up in the middle of the night with Ethan when I am tired or sick myself. He never fights me when it comes to taking care of Ethan, he is his dad and he takes that role seriously. He has been the rock during this pregnancy. He sat with me at the hospital all day and he was there for me every time I threw up because of the anesthetic, he cleaned the bucket, he got me washclothes, he took care of me. He came home that night and prepared the guest room downstairs for me so that I don't have to climb the stairs to our room. When I suggested that I could go upstairs once a day to get my clothes, he told me no and said he can get me whatever I need. He told me that I am just going to stay downstairs from now on and not just for the week. He set his cell phone into our home phone so that with a couple of button pushes, I can call him if there is a need for him in the middle of the night. He is getting me the things I need, like my meals, drinks and anything else that I have asked for. He makes sure that Ethan has me as part of his bedtime routine. These are the things he is doing and giving up for this child.

We know that with the strength that we both have in different ways, we will make it through this pregnancy and bring another wonderful child into the world. A parents' love is so strong and nothing can take its place. Take a moment to be thankful for what your parents have done for you, or just reflect on the many things you have done for your child/ren. When faced with the things we have been faced with this week, we are so grateful to be parents and to be able to show our love to our children in such a special way.

In this, the love our families have shown us has been wonderful. We have been fed, everyone has helped us with getting Ethan taken care of this week. We are so thankful for all of the support from everyone, whether it has been through emails, phone calls, donations to the March of Dimes or especially through prayers. We feel the strength surrounding us.

We will keep you updated on how things go. So far, things are getting better pain wise. I have been happy for that to go away. I see the OB next Thursday, so I will give an update on how things are going then. Hopefully, the rest of the week is uneventful :)

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12 Weeks, A Wedding, and Feeling the Baby

This has been a big and incredibly stressful week that ended nicely! On Tuesday, I hit 12 weeks, which was my first goal. As I've said before the goals are helping me to stay sane and work towards something in the times that I get a little stressed. It felt great to know that I made it to 12 weeks and I could really feel some of the changes happening to me. One thing that has changed is that I am already starting to show, which took me awhile with Ethan. So, when they say it happens faster the second time, it really does. I've also been surprised with how in tune I am this time with the changes that are happening. I really have noticed the times where I am stretching a little bit or even when the uterus moves slightly (that's because I have incredible back pain as the uterus moves toward my back).

The week had been really difficult for me personally. At school I had the added stress of getting grade cards completed by Friday. We all noticed at school how difficult it was this quarter because we did not have a work day in there to help us out. Work days are wonderful! Anyway, in every moment of spare time I had I was trying to work on organizing my grade cards. On top of that I had to fill out a lengthy form on all 40 6th graders for the jr. high math classes that was also due on the same day as grade cards. Thankfully, my teaching partner was able to help me fill out the forms for her class, at least the stuff that had to be looked up, so that was helpful since I had to answer questions about their math habits.

On top of all of that paperwork, I also had 3 evenings that were filled with meetings. Tuesday, I stayed at school to get some work done and I had a meeting from 6-7. By the time I got home, I was so exhausted but still had to work on school stuff. On Wed, I had my meeting at Toledo Hospital for the Family Advisory Council. I was there till 9:30 (with a terrible headache), then I came home to work on school stuff until 11:30 (way later than I ever go to sleep). Thursday, I was exhausted and went to the March of Dimes Family Poster Night to make team posters with some of the other family teams. Some of you may not know that I am the Family Teams committee chair, so it helps for me to be at these events that I've been promoting :) It would also look really good for my team to be one of the top teams again this year. We were the top Family Team last year, let's try again this year. You can donate on the right side of this page. Thank you to all of you that have generously responded already!

I can say I was so happy on Thursday afternoon when I finished my grade cards at about 4:15. Then I was even happier on Friday when I turned in the jr. high math forms at about 8:30am :) That helped me to go into the weekend a little better, even though I knew that I had a ton of grading to catch up on!

As soon as Ethan and I got home on Friday, we began madly packing for the weekend trip to Tiffin, OH. Thankfully, Matt came home at lunch and packed most of his and Ethan's stuff. Our friend Joe was getting married and Matt was in the wedding. We decided on Thursday that we would stay 2 nights and just relax and enjoy the hotel. I really felt that I needed a break to relieve me of some of the stress I was feeling from the week. I could feel it taking a toll on my body and maybe even the baby. I am now very thankful we made the decision to stay. We had a great time and enjoyed the wedding festivities. Ethan said "I just love hotels". We went to the pool for a little bit to relax which was nice. It was just good to forget about the stress and just enjoy spending the weekend together.

On the way home, I think I felt the baby move. I really felt a lot of flipping around, which felt a lot like the first time I felt Ethan move. They say it happens earlier the 2nd time because you know what it feels like. I really believe I felt it. I think it was a perfect ending to the very stressful week and it really shows me how important it is to relieve the stress. Believe me, I know I need to not get stressed but sometimes it is so hard when you work in the job I work in. There are so many things that need to be done at the end of the year for 6th grade that it can get a little overwhelming at times. I am working to not stress about it and just get through everything one day at a time.

Thank you to all of you who have been praying, I know it is working and helping me on a daily basis. I will continue to remember that in my times of stress.

Update on the Pregnancy

Well, Matt and I went to the doctor today and it really made me feel better. We wondered if we were able to hear the heartbeat because we couldn't at this appointment with Ethan. The doctor put the little microphone up to me and it took a few minutes but we got to hear the nice and strong heartbeat for a few seconds. The doctor said it was about 160 and good. It was so nice to hear that and put me at ease and put an instant smile on my face. We asked a lot of questions about some of the issues with the infection and the cerclage. It looks like I was not crazy about what I heard at the appointment with the specialist, as the doctor told me the same things today. So, what that means for us...

I will have my cerclage as planned and I will have to be off work for the days following since it is on a Tuesday and I would be required to walk and stand for a few days after. I will be able to go back to work the Monday after the surgery, but I will have to take thing extremely easy for the last few weeks of school. I can't risk having the stitch tear and having to possibly go on bedrest even earlier. I've talked to my fellow teachers and they are willing to help me out, which has been great, it is helpful to have so many supportive people to work with.

The infection will be a possibility but we don't know how much until it would happen. Basically, it may never happen, but it could still happen and we won't know until I would go into labor due to the infection. He told me that they really don't know what came first, the labor or the infection, so that kind of leaves things up in the air. So, we just need to pray about it and ask that the baby be protected through this entire pregnancy. I went up for healing prayers at my church this past Sunday and it really does make me feel like God is working through me. I did it a lot when Ethan was in the hospital and even once Ethan was home until he got healthier and I truly believe it helped. I have seen the power of prayer and believe it will help me this time.

I will also get progesterone. I will know a little more when I get the cerclage done. I wouldn't start them until about 16 weeks, so I will find out which doctor will prescribe it. It's interesting how the two doctors differ on which type I should get. The specialist for the cerclage said the shot would be better because I would only have to do it once a week, but it is more expensive and I would have to go into a doctor's office weekly. My OB is suggesting the suppository because it is better for people with incompetant cervix because the progesterone is inserted near the cervix, but it is daily although it is cheaper. So, we'll see which doctor decides to take it on and which one they decide on. I actually hate needles and I've heard that those ones can be painful, but I like the fact it is once a week. So, I'm kind of up in the air on which one to do. I think it will be fine either way, so we'll see what the docs say.

So, things are looking better for me at least in the sense of how I feel. I am feeling a little better knowing that at this point we just have to wait and see, but in the meantime I will treat things as a normal pregnancy except for the extra resting that will have to be done. I go back for my 15-16 week appointment on May 1st. I am days away from my first goal, which is 12 weeks. My next goal will be 14 weeks for the cerclage and then 16 weeks for the progesterone. The goals have really helped me to get through everything.

Don't forget to visit http://www.marchforbabies.org/ethanriley