Emotional times...

I wasn't sure if I would post about this or not, but it seems to keep coming up in different conversations I have had recently. 2 weeks ago, I finally began to pack up the maternity clothes I had left and the 0-3 month clothes that Micah had outgrown. It needed to be done for weeks, but something kept making me put it off. I finally decided that it had to be done in order for other things to get organized.

As I was packing things up I found myself getting more and more upset. I sat there holding the baby clothes and remembering Ethan wearing some of them. I also remembered how Ethan never got to wear a lot of them because of his oxygen and monitor wires and tubing. Micah grew so fast that he was also not able to wear some of the clothing more than one time. As I sat there remembering, I realized that none of my children would ever wear the clothing again. I also realized that I was not ready to give away or sell the clothes.

Matt came upstairs as I was finishing and saw that I was upset. In that moment, I finally broke down and cried. I didn't realize how hard it would be to deal with this. During the pregnancy, both Matt and I knew that we didn't want to go through another pregnancy because of the risk to any future child and to me. I never really had time to let it sink in, so it hit me that day when I was packing things up. It hit me that I would never be pregnant again and would never wear my maternity clothes again. It hit me that I would never have another baby to wear all of the cute little outfits that we have. It hit me that I HAD to make a decision that I didn't really want to make.

After having Ethan, I realized how much I loved being a mom and had said that if I had a good second pregnancy I would want to try for a 3rd. But, after Micah's pregnancy turned out to be difficult in a whole new way, I knew that I couldn't go through it again. I still wanted another child, but I knew I couldn't. So, on that day, I realized how much it hurt that I had to make that decision. I know that some people would say that no one made me get my tubes tied, but I made me. So, I am fighting against myself in this. I stand behind my decision to not put a future child at risk, but I am still saddened by the fact that I won't have any more children. I am so blessed to have the two children I have. I could have easily lost both and I know that the chances are too high that I would lose the next one.

I have talked about it with several people recently, because I have been asked if I will have any other children. It has made me realize that I am not crazy for feeling the way I do, or for making the decision I made. Everyone has said that they would have probably made the same decision, but would have also felt the same kind of sadness. I am so happy with my two children and I really do feel that my family is complete, but I still need to work my way through this decision.

Every day that goes by, I feel more and more comfortable with my decision. Every day that I deal with the pain from the bedrest, I remind myself how hard I had to work to bring life to my child Micah. Every day that I watch Ethan grow and learn, I remind myself of the 88 days I held his hands and willed him to live, I remind myself of all of the years of specialists and therapist appointments. It is in those moments I remind myself why I HAD to make the decision I did. I didn't want to risk the life of a child, my child. I couldn't go through the stress of having a high-risk pregnancy again and deal with being scared every single day of the pregnancy.

My brain tells me all of those things and helps me to see the intelligence behind this choice. My heart on the other hand is not as logical. My heart is the heart of a mommy and it will take it a little longer to become as logical, but we are almost there! Everyday, my heart fills even more with the love for my children. I now understand why, even though you have made a choice, you may still be sad. I thank all of the people that have been so supportive with our decision and helping us to feel like we made the right choice.