July 3, 2004

A day we will probably never forget...I have been somewhat emotional today and I couldn't figure out why until a few minutes ago. It hit me what today is. I know, I know it is not the 3rd, but July 2, was the silent beginning of what happened on July 3.

I remember going over to my sister Mary's house to help her prepare for the first night of our family reunion at her house. I was having some little aches and pains that I thought were normal pregnancy stretching. Little did I know that those little symptoms would change our lives forever. All through that night, the pains continued and did not go away, again I thought that they were normal pregnancy symptoms, there were no huge signs to tell me that it wasn't normal. I was only 22 weeks, nothing could have been wrong, right??

July 3rd came after very little sleep on my part. We got up and headed to Wauseon for the 2nd day of the family reunion. I was still uncomfortable and didn't understand what I was feeling. Being my first pregnancy, I just kept to myself and didn't think to ask anyone about it, because I still thought it was normal. I had a great time, until just before dinner, when more symptoms quickly appeared. In that moment, everything went fuzzy and all I could do was go in search of Matt. I was crying and I vaguely remember my brother-in-law Dan calling my name, but my brain just said "find Matt". I never thought that running to find him could make things worse. Before I knew it, my sisters and mom had gathered and found me. Then we were on our way to the hospital, which thankfully, one of my cousins worked at. She made sure I got in ok.

After all of the necessary tests and checks, it was determined that I was in labor and that I needed to be transferred back to Toledo. That is where we heard the words, "if he is born tonight, he will not make it". We headed into one of the scariest nights of our lives...It seemed like it would never end and that the labor would never stop. I remember my family staying really late and a couple of my sisters making sure that Matt and I were ok. Mary came in to check on me and Erika and Tom made sure Matt got some food to eat.

The 4th of July, wasn't any better. I woke up in the morning to find out that I had stopped contracting and that I was going into surgery to try and save this baby. The rest of the day was basically a blur, since I was on a lot of pain medications and very nauseous. I remember lots of family being there and I can remember people talking, but I have no clue who exactly was there and what they were saying. By dark, I was finally starting to come out of some of the blurry feeling and Matt opened up the shades enough for me to catch just a few fireworks over the trees.

Our world was turned upside down with that weekend and we will never forget what we got out of it. Ethan, our special little miracle. The series of events that took place over the next 3 weeks led to Ethan being born and leading us down a path that we never expected, but would never change.

This is the most difficult 4th of July weekend since that weekend, only because the memories are so strong being that I am pregnant. The blessing in all of this is that I am 2 weeks further than I was then, which means so much to me. Lately, things just sometimes pop into my head, whether it is a dream or just a normal thought about this baby coming too soon. I am looking forward to getting through this weekend and then getting through next week (week 25, Ethan's birth week). I'm just glad that this time there are not 3 weeks in between, I can just get it all done in one week.

As I lay here waiting for this baby to be born, I can't help but be thankful for all that we have been given. Ethan is a miracle and he amazes us each and every day. We never expected the turn our life would take that weekend and we now know not to take anything for granted. The last 10 weeks have been such a blessing. We have been given 10 more weeks with this baby and hopefully, 10 more! I wish I could say that this will be an easy couple of weeks for me, but the further I get, the more scared I am that I will have to go through what I did with Ethan. I am working hard to stay positive and keep myself busy, so that I don't get myself upset.

I guess it is normal for me to sometimes feel a little upset. I have a feeling that I will have more days of feeling a little emotional. The great thing in all of this is that even though I start out with a little bit of a scared feeling, I look down and I see my growing belly or I feel a kick and I begin to smile. I'm scared, but I couldn't be happier that I am taking this pregnancy as far as I possibly can! Every kick reminds me that it's ok to feel scared for this tiny little human that is inside of me and is my son. I never want him to go through what Ethan did. We can't watch that again and we are going to everything we can not to.

I know this 4th of July weekend will be hard, but it is also a blessing and a reminder of where we have been and where we are going.